It's a Bear Dear

The mystery of the dead possum and the dead deer has been explained but a small question remains in my mind. In a prior post I recounted how I found a dead possum with bloody teeth marks on its neck beside my house next to a heavy wooden pallet that had been dragged out from under the outdoor shower. A few weeks later I described finding a dead deer with bloody teeth marks on its neck hanging from a wire fence at the border of my property.

A man who has lived in this area for some time told Meredith the culprit was a bear. He said that bites on the neck of a dead animal are characteristic of a bear, and he pointed out where the bear’s claws or teeth had left marks on the wooden pallet. His theory on the possum is that the bear chased the possum under the pallet and then pulled the pallet out to get at the possum. His theory about the deer is that the bear bit it on the neck after it got hung up on the fence.

In the absence of any other reasonable explanation (which rules out aliens, chupacabras and other-worldly spirits) I am accepting this explanation for these curious incidents though I have a lingering question why the bear bit the deer but didn’t eat part of it. Bears are omnivores, and I would think a young, dead deer hanging from a fence would be a tempting midnight snack for a bear.

All of this prompted me to do a little internet research to find out more about bears in this area. According to the Wildlife Resources Division of the Georgia Department of Natural Resources we have black bears around here. Their scientific name is Ursus Americanus which is a whole lot better than Ursus Syrian Terrorist or Ursus Bernie Sanders. The black bear population in Georgia is estimated to be more 5,100. This seems too few to me given the number of bear stories I’ve heard since moving here.

The typical life span of a bear is about 8 to 15 years. Adult bears are generally up to six feet in length and about three feet high at the shoulder. Presumably that’s when they are on all fours. If not, then they’re short little fuckers, and it’s no wonder I haven’t seen one. Female adult bears can weigh up to 300 pounds and adult males can weigh over 500 pounds. Bears have poor eyesight but an excellent sense of smell. They are good tree climbers, can swim well and are able to run at speeds of up to 30 miles per hour. I imagine a 500 pound beer with poor eyesight running at 30 miles an hour is a menace to himself as well as others. Think of Mr. Magoo with the bulk of a Sumo wrestler and the speed of Usain Bolt.

As for bears’ eating habits: “Bears are considered omnivorous meaning their diet consists of whatever is readily available at that time of year. (Sounds a lot like Rosie O’Donnell.) Diets vary according to what part of the state the bear calls home. However, the majority of their natural diet consists of berries, fruits, acorns, grasses and animal matter, including insects or mammals-even deer.”

Finally, the website assured me that there are no recorded bear attacks on humans in Georgia, and no fatalities (which would seem to follow from the fact there were no attacks), while in the entire Southeastern United States there have only been two documented fatal black bear attacks. According to another website there have been only 52 recorded fatal black bear attacks in North America in the last 100 years. I could not find data on non-fatal bear attacks.

So it seems to me that your odds of getting killed by a black bear are way lower than your odds of being killed by an Islamic terrorist. That’s not a very comforting conclusion when you think about it. Click here for a list of all known fatal black bear attacks so you can check whether anyone you know is on the list.

Just for the hell of it, I researched what other animals accounted for human fatalities in the U.S. The annual average of deaths from bees, wasps and hornets is 58, from dogs is 28 and from cows is 20 people according to one website.

I was a little surprised at the figure for cows. They seem so non-lethal. Yet, another website informed me that “herds of cows on British farms have killed 74 people in the past 15 years.” For some perverse reason I find that humorous. Maybe it’s the fact that English cows kill in herds. I guess they have a lot cow stampedes on British farms. If I ever visit England I’ll be sure not to sign up for the visit to a working English dairy farm. These statistics give me a whole new perspective on Ol’ Bessie. 

It turns out that deer are the real people killer in the U.S. The U.S. Department of Transportation estimates that white-tailed deer kill around 130 Americans each year by causing car accidents. In 1994 there were 211 human deaths in car wrecks caused by deer. This only confirms my view of deer (which I acquired since moving here). Far from the cute animals that Walt Disney would have us believe, they are obnoxious rat-faced pests who will destroy your garden, eat your shrubbery and, if given a chance, take your life by jumping in front of your car.

So, to get back on topic, it appears I have a bear or two in the neighborhood. We were told as much by people in the area. I thought, however, that bears stayed away from our property due to the number of barking farm dogs in the neighborhood. Obviously that’s not the case so I’m going to be more cautious when I let the dogs go out to pee at night.

Having bears roaming your property at night is not the type of problem one generally encounters in cities and modern suburbia. I guess you can chalk that up as another reason living in the country is a different experience. I’ll tell you this: I’d rather worry about a bear or two visiting the property than random drive-by shootings, home intrusions, kids hawking magazine subscriptions and religious fanatics distributing tracts.