The Dogwoods Bloom

I’m sorry this post is a day or two late. Among other things, I was busy studying for my Master Gardener final exam which happened on April 15. 

 

I passed the test with a respectable 95 out of 100, so now I am a Master Gardener Trainee. As a trainee I don’t get a nice plastic badge like the Master Gardeners wear. All I get is a flimsy paper badge that identifies me as a trainee. I don’t get the plastic badge until I finish my 50 hours of service. 

 

The Georgia Cooperative Extension rules require me to wear my trainee badge whenever I’m working on a Master Gardener project. I guess that’s so everyone knows that I’m not a full-fledged Master Gardener, but a half-assed version of a Master Gardener. That seems appropriate in my case. For some reason I feel like I’m in pledge training for my fraternity in college. I half expect the Master Gardeners to require me to shout: “Sir, a pledge is lower than whale shit in the deepest part of the deepest ocean and looks up at the bellies of snakes, sir.”

 

I have to admit that I did not study for the final exam near as much as I did for the mid-term. For one thing, most of the subject matter in the second half of the course did not interest me. There were classes on landscape design, leadership and communications, and water gardens, among others. 

 

The landscape design and leadership classes were absolute bullshit. One of the things I learned in the landscape design class is that you can build a patio too big or too small. The secret is to build it just right. What is this—Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Patio, my ass—I’m still trying to get a lawn.

 

I have no idea what I was supposed to get out of the leadership class. Really, I have no idea what I was supposed to learn in the class. The leadership chapter of the text book informed me that the five stages of group development are forming, storming, norming, performing, and adjourning. What does that mean? What about all the negative rhyming words like nonconforming, nonperforming, and misinforming? 

 

The book also said that a great leader always has an agenda and always sticks to it. I’m sure Alexander the Great, Napoleon, Washington, and Patton always abided by that rule.

 

As for the water garden class, I doubt seriously that I’ll be raising Koi anytime soon, but it’s always good to know that they can grow to 36 inches and they crap like a hippopotamus if you overfeed them. Who knows, that might be a question in Trivial Pursuit.

 

But the real reason I didn’t study as much this time is because it dawned on me that I’m retired. Who gives a rat’s ass whether I graduate summa cum laude from the Master Gardener’s course? It’s not like I’m trying to get a job after I graduate. The way I figure it, the Fannin County Master Gardeners should be happy to have me no matter what grade I got. I’m loud, I’m proud, I’m bad, I’m nationwide. Well, let’s just rip off James Brown and ZZ Top.

 

Another thing that interfered with my studies is that I’ve been really busy. Meredith and I have become involved in a group called Feed Fannin. It’s a local group that raises funds and grows vegetables to feed the needy in Fannin County. I’m on the publicity committee, and my job is to write press releases and articles for the newspapers. That means I have to go to events, take photos and write some copy to ship off to the newspapers. I’m a real Jimmy Olsen. I’m also helping at the group’s five acre farm. I helped plant potatoes last week. 

 

I have some concern that this Feed Fannin thing could lead to me becoming a community organizer and being like you know who. You have my permission to shoot me if that ever happens.

 

Last week I reported that I unwittingly ended up in one of the top three destinations for gays and lesbians in Georgia. I have no problem with that. Now I find out that Feed Fannin is the favorite charity of all the liberals in Fannin County. Some of the people in the group actually drive hybrid cars that sport Obama and Coexist stickers. I didn’t think it was safe to do that in these parts. My pickup with its NRA decal and faded Romney/Ryan sticker is more the norm around here.

 

Well, I have no problem being surrounded by liberals when it comes to the Feed Fannin group. Maybe they don’t realize it, but the group represents the best of the conservative American tradition dating back to the founding of the Republic—local people solving local problems. Neighbors helping neighbors without the intrusive hand of government has been a characteristic of this country from its early days. In the 1830s Alexis deTocqueville traveled our young country and observed: 

The citizen of the United States is taught from infancy to rely on his own exertions in order to resist the evils and the difficulties of life; he looks upon the social authority with an eye of mistrust and anxiety, and he claims its assistance only when he is unable to do without it. 

I wish that was as true now as it was then. But at least here in Fannin County they try to solve their own problems without a handout from Big Brother. So I don’t mind helping Feed Fannin, even if they are a bunch of card-carrying liberals. Who knows, maybe I can show them the error of their ways eventually.

 

Meanwhile, the weather here continues to amaze me. The weather has been mild over the last two weeks. We even had a day when the afternoon temperature was in the low 80’s. The grass in the fields has greened up, the spring flowering shrubs are showing their blossoms, and the apple trees are beginning to bud and flower. Even the dogwoods have burst into bloom.

 

I always wondered about using the word “burst” to describe how flowering shrubs come into blossom, but that’s the only way to describe it. One day they’re just bushes, and the very next day they are covered with bright blossoms. The wonder is that they all do it at the same time.

 

I was waiting for the dogwoods to bloom. If you will recall, I was told at the farmer’s coop that I should plant my buckwheat and soybeans as a cover crop when the dogwoods bloom. I assumed that was because the dogwoods knew when the worst of the bad weather was over.

 

Unfortunately, I have to report that the temperature outside is currently 28 degrees. Yesterday afternoon we had flurries of rain mixed with snow and sleet. The concern around here is that a hard freeze will kill all the apple blossoms. It’s obviously too cold to plant soybeans and buckwheat. So why in the hell are do they rely on the dogwood trees to tell them when to plant?

 

In Pinellas County we had a much better way of knowing when spring was here. It was called spring break. It’s a lot more enjoyable watching for young college girls in small bikinis then it is waiting for the dogwoods to bloom, but I guess that’s the sacrifice I must make for the joy of living in the country.