Junkmail

I have noticed a difference in the type of junk mail I receive now that I live in a rural area.

Not surprisingly, I have started to receive unsolicited catalogs, brochures and junk mail from farm, livestock, and garden supply companies. Most of this mail is interesting, and I now have supply sources for stuff I never knew existed. For instance, did you know that you can buy rubber gloves that go all the way to your shoulder? I think that’s for shoving your arm up a cow’s ass, but I’m not sure.

Since this is the Bible Belt, I receive the occasional piece of religious junk mail. The most recent one really caught my attention. It is ad inviting me to attend a presentation on “OBIBLECARE—Affordable Health ASSURANCE That Money Can’t Buy.” It guarantees that I will learn “ten simple steps that can reverse hypertension, diabetes, cancer, arthritis, autoimmune diseases, and most other disorders.” I guess that means it will also cure flatulence, hemorrhoids, and the wild eyebrow hairs men get as they grow older.

I suspect the promise of OBIBLECARE is different than the promise of Obamacare. With OBIBLECARE if you like your doctor you can do without him.

The presentation is being given by Pastor Shelem Flemons and his wife, Diane. Pastor Flemons is the Director and Chaplain of the Times of Refreshing Wellness Retreat. I think it’s a safe bet the retreat is not located across from the Mayo Clinic.

Rather impressively, Pastor Flemons is a “Doctor of Biblical Wellness.” I am not familiar with that particular degree or medical discipline, so I did a little internet research. I could not find a school that confers a degree in biblical wellness, but I did find one that gives a degree called a “Doctor of Biblical Medicine.” It’s the New Eden School of Natural Health and Herbal Studies. Here’s a link to New Eden’s website: New Eden.

The New Eden School must be a genuine organization because it is accredited by the PMA according its website. The PMA is the Pastoral Medical Association. That’s comforting.

What I want to know is whether the New Eden School has a school mascot or symbol. Are they the Fighting Prophets or the Healing Herbs? Do they have a school song or a school chant? (New Eden! New Eden! Heal! Heal! Heal!) I’d really like to get a school t-shirt.

I am trying to envision a Doctor of Biblical Medicine in the operating room. Does he hold out his hand and say “Bible” so a nurse can slap a Bible in his hand? When he does house calls does he tell you to say three Hail Marys and call him in the morning?

Now I’m not making fun of religious beliefs or doubting the healing power of faith, but I question the propriety of conferring degrees in Biblical Medicine or calling one’s self a Doctor of Biblical Wellness. My concern is that people with genuine medical problems will confuse a Doctor of Biblical Wellness with a medical doctor. You may think that’s a dim view of humanity, but I’m afraid that in today’s America, you can fool most of the people most of the time. What other conclusion can you come to when sixty percent of the population believes that astrology is a science, and you see advertisements for mediums and the healing power of crystals on television?

But hey, to each his own. All I know is that I would not feel very happy lying on a hospital bed and discovering that the initials “B.D.” on the doctor’s name tag stand for Biblical Doctor. At that point the initials behind my name would be G.M.T.H.O.O.H. (Get Me the Hell Out of Here).

It’s safe to say I won’t be going to the OBIBLECARE presentation.

My Mystical Native American Name

A few posts ago I told you about meeting Dreaming Bear at a Grumpy Old Men beer tasting. To refresh your recollection, Dreaming Bear is a self-professed 71-year-old crusader for gay and lesbian rights who has lived in Fannin County for years. I was jealous of the fact that she had a Native American name, and I didn’t.

I exchanged e-mails with her asking her to confer a good name on me, but she refused. She said that I had to come up with the name myself. As I reported in my post, all I could come up with was Dribbling Turtle, Farting Elk, and Bloated Antelope.

My new friends up here thought Bloated Antelope was a good name, but I was not satisfied so I e-mailed Dreaming Bear again pleading for some hints. She responded that a person’s Native American name represented his or her life’s quest or inner vision.

I meditated on that. I spent close to two-thirds of my life trying to be the best trial attorney I could be. A trial attorney is a person who tries to persuade a jury to rule in a certain way through the deft marshalling of evidence and the power of speech. So my spiritual Native American name may be Man Who Talks and Sways Others. But I’m also aware that many Native American names get shortened in the translation. I’m concerned that Man Who Talks and Sways Others may come out Flapping Lips.

As for my inner vision, like most egotistical, testosterone-driven American males I see myself as a strong, virile, bull elk of a man. Therefore, my inner vision dictates that my true spiritual name should be Stud Muffin.

I ran these suggestions by Dreaming Bear in my last e-mail, but so far I have not gotten a response. This makes me wonder whether her Native American name for me is Man Who I Wish I’d Never Met.

So the quest to discover my spiritual name continues. I’m open to suggestions.