I Talk Crap.

I sure have learned a lot about poop since I moved to north Georgia. I don’t know whether I’d hold myself out as a poop expert but I’m learning a lot of shit about shit. You would think that I would already be an expert on bullshit and chicken shit as former trial lawyer and city attorney but I’m talking about a different type of poop here. What I’m talking about is manure, and, specifically, I’m talking about the type of manure you put in your garden to help your plants grow.

There are several different types of poop in Fannin County. Besides the usual cow shit, horse shit, goat shit, chicken shit and rabbit shit there is also llama shit and alpaca shit. Each of these types of poop have different qualities, require different handling and have different availabilities. I'm thinking of doing a Wikipedia article on the subject.

As a general proposition, poop is hard to come by around here. That’s not because there’s a scarcity of poop in the area. There are plenty of animals who make daily contributions to the amount of crap in Fannin County. Though Fannin County is not full of shit like rural counties that major in hog and cattle production, I think it’s reasonable to say that Fannin County gets its fair share of shit.

Despite that fact that crap is relatively plentiful in Fannin County, it takes some searching to find a dependable supply. That’s because poop is a useful and, therefore, valuable commodity around here.

There are no large scale cattle farms, dairies, or hog farms in Fannin County. There is one smallish chicken farm that I know of. Large poop producers like chicken, hog and cattle farms process their manure and sell it commercially. I’m not sure what one does commercially with chicken crap (maybe send it to federal and state bureaucrats to be doled out as chicken shit), but I know that cow manure is composted and sold to the public in bags to be used in urban gardens. I believe hog poop is used as fertilizer also.

At any rate, there are no major poop producers in Fannin County. Gardeners like me who have large gardens and are unwilling to pay to buy crap by the bag have to get our poop from smaller poop producers or raise poop producing animals. If I had chickens, rabbits and a couple of goats or cows I probably would have enough poop to serve my gardening needs. Since I do not raise animals at this point in time I have to get my crap from other sources.

Fannin County is not lacking in poop sources. Many people around here have cows, horses, goats, chickens and rabbits. There are a couple of animal rescue farms and several riding stables in the county. There are even a few llama and alpaca farms around here. The problem is that much of this poop is already spoken for by other gardeners. In classical economic terms, while the poop supply is relatively high, the demand is even higher. This creates a poop scarcity. Now that I think of it, a supply and demand analysis of poop in Fannin County would probably make a great case study for MBA students.

Cow poop is widely regarded as the gold standard for a garden. Everyone wants cow crap. But good cow crap is tough to find—literally. Most cows around here are allowed to wander freely in pastures; they are not stabled. Cows are random crappers; they crap whenever and wherever the urge hits them. Thus, while cows are big crappers, their crap is spread all over the place. Wandering around a 10 acre cow pasture looking for cow patties is not an efficient way to acquire poop.

Fresh cow poop is too hot to put directly into the garden, and it must be aged for a year or two before it can be used. There used to be a wine commercial that used the line, “No wine before its time.” The same is true about cow crap.

Goat poop can be used in the garden. Once again the problem is collecting it. Like cows, goats are random crappers. However, many people who raise goats put them in a barn at night where, among other things, they crap when the urge hits them. Thus, people who raise goats have to contend with piles of crap. A lot of gardeners around here get their crap from people who raise goats. Like cow poop, goat poop must be aged.

Rabbit poop, if you can get it, is great for the garden. It has little odor and does not have to be aged to be placed in the garden. Unfortunately, not many people around here raise enough rabbits in sufficient numbers for there to be a lot of rabbit crap available.

Chicken shit is a great source of nitrogen, but it must be well aged before it can be used in the garden. Unless you raise chickens yourself it is hard to find chicken shit.

Horseshit is by far the most available poop around here. That’s because there are a number of riding stables hereabouts, horses crap a lot, and horses spend a lot of time in a stable so their crap accumulates in one convenient location. Horse poop is not as rich as cow poop and only needs to be aged one year to be used. Besides fertilizing the soil, it adds a lot of organic content to the soil .

Believe it or not, there are quite a few llamas and alpacas around here. I’m not sure why but there are. I’m a little vague on how much they crap. I’ve been told that they are fastidious little beasts and crap in one corner of their pen. This makes collecting their poop easy. I’ve also been told that llama and alpaca poop, like rabbit shit, does not have to be aged before it can be used on the garden. One old boy I talked to said it was the best garden manure there is. That’s probably the reason that it’s very difficult to find llama and alpaca crap that is not been promised to another gardener.

As I write this I realize that I haven’t heard anything about pig shit in these parts. I don’t know whether that’s because people don’t keep pigs up here or because it is so valuable that it never becomes available. I will have to make inquiries. It is a small reflection of what life is like in a rural area that a question like “do you know where I can get some pig shit” is not considered odd.

I never thought I would know this much shit about this much shit. You may think it's a lot of crap but if you have aspirations of living the rural life one day, you had better know your shit.