Bugs

I have painted an idyllic picture of life in the north Georgia mountains—fresh air, beautiful vistas, friendly people, little traffic and so on. But all is not perfect in paradise.

What prompts this post was looking down and seeing a scorpion between my feet when I was taking a shower yesterday morning. It was only a little over an inch long but when you’re standing naked and discover a scorpion just a couple of feet below Willy and the twins, your immediate impression is that it’s the size of a Komodo Dragon—the scorpion, that is. Two questions instantly came to mind: Can scorpions jump and, if so, how high?

I had this sudden horrific vision of the scorpion leaping off the floor of the shower like a grasshopper on methamphetamine, landing on Mr. Happy and stinging me. I could see me trying to explain to the admitting nurse at the emergency room how I got a scorpion in my shorts. I imagine all the emergency room personnel would go home that evening and say, “You’ll never guess what I saw today.” Fortunately the scorpion proved to be passive, and I was able to wrap it in a tissue and flush it down the toilet.

Scorpions are not the only bugs around here that can sting or bite. There are also wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, bees, horse flies, deer flies, sweat bees, chiggers and ticks.

So far bees, ticks and chiggers have not been a problem. Not so with wasps, hornets and yellow jackets. I have no idea what the difference is between the three. All I know is that they come after you when they are disturbed. All three are all evil, mean and nasty and hurt like a bitch when they sting you.

I think wasps are the ones that build big paper nests the size of a football or larger. They are generally found in tree branches or under the eaves of houses and barns, usually at head height so you can bump into them. Hornets may be the ones that build small flared nests under stairs, wooden porches, picnic tables and outdoor benches—you know, places where you can’t see them but are likely to be in close proximity when you encounter them. I believe yellow jackets build their nests underground and come swarming out with a bad attitude when you disturb them. I may be confusing the three but I really don’t care. To me they are the insect kingdom equivalent of anti-personnel mines so I just lump them all together and try to stay clear.

What makes this discussion particularly relevant is that apparently late summer is wasp, hornet and yellow jacket season in north Georgia. I don’t recall there being a wasp, hornet and yellow jacket season in Florida. I guess it’s like the cold and flu season, allergy season and tourist season, only painful.

It’s the horse flies, deer flies and sweat bees that drive me crazy. They seem to seek me. Horse flies and deer flies don’t sting you; they bite and chew on you, and their bite is painful. In my case their bites raise a large red welt that is maddeningly itchy and can last for several days. Scratching the welt just makes it itch all the more. Sweat bees are tiny things so you don’t notice them until it’s too late. All three seem to have the ability to pursue you even when you’re in motion. I’ve been bitten or stung while mowing on the tractor.

I don’t want to give you the impression that it’s unsafe to go outdoors here. I’ll take these bugs over the swarming mosquitoes in Florida.

Speaking of bugs, last year I was writing about daddy long legs and wooly caterpillars. This year I’ve seen only a few daddy long legs and no wooly caterpillars. Maybe they are a fall phenomenon. If so, there is still time.

The fascination with wooly caterpillars is that they are supposed to be a harbinger of the type of winter you can expect. I’ve also heard that if the squirrels seem overly busy in burying their nuts in late summer that is an omen of a bad winter. And here’s a new one for me. I’m told that the number of fogs you have in late summer when it’s hot indicates how many snows you will have this winter. We’ve had a couple of good fogs so far.

At any rate, the word from the locals is that we will have a warm fall and a harsh winter. A couple of old time farmers told me that I needed to get my fall garden in by the middle of August in anticipation of a hard frost by mid-October. I’ve learned to listen to the old boys, and my fall garden has been planted. I’ve gone heavy on cabbages. Won’t Meredith be thrilled.

While we are talking about seasons, late summer also seems to be crow season. In the past week I’ve noticed a number of large black crows in the field. They’re so big they could be ravens. I wonder if they are supposed to be a harbinger of anything?

It’s funny, but since I’ve moved here I am more aware of birds and insects, the color of leaves, the rain, the temperature and the weather and the slow progress of the seasons. There are probably several reasons for that. I’m not immersed in a job. I spend a lot of time outdoors. I garden. Regardless, there is something deeply satisfying about being more attuned to nature.

Jesus! Listen to me. I sound like a tree hugging hippy wuss. The next thing you know I’ll be joining the Sierra Club, eating tofu, recycling plastic and driving a Prius with a Coexist sticker on it. Screw that. I think I’ll go shoot a crow.