Festivals, Events, and Places to Visit



 If I ever get bored with retired life in the country, I have a fall-back option. I will buy a camper and set off to get to know this country of ours. I am not interested in the big cities so much as the spaces and people in between. Here are some of the destinations on my list.

There is nothing more American than corn liquor, whiskey, and bourbon. I have an interest in distilling, and I like my bourbon. There are few products more organic than whiskey. Only four ingredients are used in making it: grain (predominantly corn), water, yeast, and oak wood. One of these days I will make a pilgrimage to the Mecca of whiskey, Jack Daniel’s Distillery, in Lynchburg, Tennessee, where they have been making sour mash whiskey since 1866. Here are three interesting facts about Jack Daniel’s whiskey. First, the water source is iron free. The absence of iron stresses the yeast that convert the sugar into ethanol, giving a unique taste to the whiskey. Second, the yeast strain used by Jack Daniel’s has been handed down from generation to generation and is proprietary. Third, Lynchburg is located in a dry county, so you cannot drink Jack Daniel’s product in the county of its origin.

I had the privilege of living in Kentucky for a year. There are bourbons made in Kentucky that never leave the state. It is only natural that I would want to go to the Kentucky Bourbon Festival held in Bardstown, Kentucky, where they have been making bourbon since 1776. Bardstown is considered the bourbon capital of the world. The festival lasts six days, and you can make reservations to attend bourbon sampling parties. Sounds like a winner to me.

Finally, I must give homage to American whiskey's roots, corn liquor, otherwise known as moonshine. Therefore, I think a trip to the Dawson County, Georgia, Moonshine Festival is in order. The festival explores Dawson County's history during the prohibition era when liquor was illegal and running moonshine through the foothills of the Northeast Georgia Mountains was a way of life. NASCAR has its roots in the drivers and souped-up cars who would deliver the shine.

An event I don’t want to miss is the Wisconsin State and Cow Chip Throw Festival held in Prairie du Sac, Wisconsin. My interest has nothing to do with the tired witticism that lawyers are good at slinging the bull. I once took an overnight trip to Wisconsin to take a deposition in Milwaukee, and I couldn’t help noticing the number of breweries and beer houses in town. I’ve heard that Wisconsin has some good local beers. The western prairie begins there, and there is interesting early American history associated with Wisconsin, not to mention that a cow chip tossing festival sounds like fun. Incidentally, the current record for throwing a cow chip is 248 feet. I can't throw a baseball that far.

Another must see is the West Virgina Road Kill Cook-off and Autumn Harvest Festival held in Pocahontas County, West Virginia. From what I understand, contestants compete for making the tastiest dish from wildlife (though not necessarily road-killed wildlife). It would be my chance to taste squirrel, bear, and other varmints and critters prepared by cooks who know what they are doing. Besides, I wouldn’t want to miss that chance to see the crowning of the roadkill queen. As an aside, I once had a drink with a young lady who had been crowned Miss Large Mouth Bass of Palatka. Enough said.

While we are on the subject of unusual food, I want to visit the several testicle festivals throughout the United States. Believe it or not, there are testicle festivals in Montana, California, Minnesota, Missouri, Texas, and probably a few other places. I didn't know that mountain oysters were so popular, but it makes sense. Think of how much beef we eat in this country and how large a bull's balls are. That's a lot of protein going to waste. Based on the pictures it looks like a testicle festival can get pretty rowdy. I definitely need to attend one or two or many.

While we are on the subject of cojones, there is a turkey testicle festival in Huntley, Illinois. According the festival website, a thousand pounds of turkey balls are consumed during the event. To be honest, I did not know that turkeys had testicles. I wonder if they are like bar nuts? I guess the only way I'll find out is by attending the festival. 

One of these days it’s off to Spivey Corner, North Carolina, to attend the Hollerin’ Heritage Festival and see the National Hollerin' Contest. Hollering is a forgotten art used by early mountain farmers to call their livestock. The event is put on by the Spivey’s Corner Volunteer Fire Department. You can’t get any more local than that. In looking at the photographs of last year’s winners on the festival’s website, I noticed there were photos of the winners of the Corn Hole Tournament. I sure as hell hope that has something to do with golf.

I’m not sure about Mike the Headless Chicken Days in Fruita, Colorado. The festival celebrates a chicken named Mike that lived for 18 months after having his head cut off. Sounds morbid to me. However, Fruita looks like a Colorado cowboy town, so it might be worth the trip.

I certainly do not want to not miss the annual North Georgia Flintknappers and Primitive Arts Festival in Cartersville, Georgia. Flintknapping is the art of making paleolithic stone tools. The festival has demonstrations of arrowhead and spear point making, bow and arrow crafting, fire building, hide tanning, basketry, cord making, and trap and snare making. I’m not joking when I say that I am interested in all that stuff. Not only would this be a learning experience, but I imagine you encounter some interesting characters at a flintknapping festival. Do you think the Geico caveman is the poster boy for flintknappers? I would like to learn flintknapping, but I’m afraid it would be like shop class in high school where everything I tried to make turned into an ashtray. If I ever got good at flintknapping, I’d try to knap something more modern like a stone cell phone case.

Those are just some of the festivals, events, and places that are on my bucket list. There are many more. Only in America.