They were not as exciting as in the good old Cold War days when the USSR, East Germany and Cuba—those commie bastards—were our hated rivals, but these Olympics were pretty good compared to the last couple. Maybe I feel that way because I had time to watch more of the coverage this time around.
I’m not sure we appreciate how talented the athletes are, particularly the winners. I saw a Facebook post the other day that suggested that each Olympic event should include a contestant who is just an average schmoe to give us a frame of reference.
It’s actually a good idea when you think of it. It has the added advantage of injecting a little humor into the Olympics. I’d like to see the average American male attempt the pole vault or shot putt. Better yet, I’d like to see some celebrities compete in some of the events, particularly those loud mouthed celebrities that I dislike immensely. I’d pay good money to watch Rosie O’Donnell on the uneven bars or the balance beam. I’d love to see Michael Moore try to cram his fat ass into a kayak for the men’s single slalom event. It would be my dream see Debbie Wasserman “If My lips Are Moving I’m Lying” Schultz compete in women’s boxing.
This got me to thinking that what we really need are some Olympic events taken from reality. It would make the Olympics more relevant for average schmucks like you and me and bring a little more excitement to the games. Let’s face it, events like team diving, synchronized swimming, the 10 meter air rifle contest, team equestrian jumping, archery and rhythmic gymnastics are not going to bring you screaming to your feet.
I propose that the host country for the Olympics be allowed to create a limited number of events that are representative of the location where the games are being held. For instance, in Rio they could have had the 100 meter dysentery dash where the contestants have to run to a porta-potty after drinking the water. Another event could have been the timed wallet heist. The winner is the person who gets his or her wallet or purse stolen on the streets of Rio in the shortest time.
If the Olympics were held in North Georgia there are several contests that could be featured. I’d like to see the 10 pound chitlin toss where contestants compete to see how far they can throw a 10 pound box of frozen chitlins. A 4 x 100 meter relay with a live chicken would be exciting. One problem is that we may have difficulty finding anyone around here who has a 100 meter tape measure. This is still a feet and inches place.
How about the stationary boiled goober jump? The object of the contest is to see how far a person can jump from a sitting position when a bag of hot boiled peanuts is spilled on his or her lap. Another good event would be the yellow jacket triple jump contest where contestants compete to see how far they can hop, skip and jump backwards after stepping on a yellow jacket nest.
If the Olympics were held here I’d like to see a Toccoa tubing slalom contest. In this event blindfolded contestants have to tube down the frigid Toccoa River in an undersized inner tube. The first person to arrive at the finish line after navigating the rocks, shallows and backwaters and enduring having their ass immersed in 50 degree water for three hours is the winner.
What if the Olympics were held in an American city where there has been rioting? You could have the 50 meter large screen television snatch and grab where the contestants have to run 50 meters, leap through a broken storefront window, grab a 50 inch large screen TV and return to the finish line.
Another relevant event would be the 100 meter police barricade hurdles. It’s like the 110 meter high hurdles but with police barricades and tear gas.
Then there’s the K9 steeple chase where the contestants have to run through back yards, around clothes lines and garbage cans and over fences with an angry police dog at their heels. The contestants would certainly be motivated to do their best.
Of coure, any sort of contest where tasers are involved would be highly entertaining. I’d certainly stay up past my bedtime to see the finals. Unfortunately I can’t think of any way to work tasers into a sporting event.
If the Olympics were held in Chicago you could have the 40 yard dead man’s carry where Democrats compete to see who can carry the most dead voters to the polls to vote for Hillary Clinton.
Imagine if the Olympics were held in an ISIS controlled area. You wouldn’t want to miss the 50 meter suicide vest walk where last year’s winner will not be returning to defend his title.
I’m sure you can think of other events that would be suited to where you live. The possibilities are endless, and the events certainly would be a lot more entertaining than some of the existing Olympic events.
Turning to an entirely different subject, I have done my best this year not to bore you with news from my garden, but I think a brief update is in order. So far the garden has been relatively pest free. I’ve suffered no deer, mole, rabbit or groundhog damage and just minimal insect damage. I’m not saying that I’ve won the war on garden terrorism. In fact, I believe that nature is just biding its time and gathering its forces for an all-out assault next year. Nature’s sneaky and persistent like that. I’ve learned that eternal vigilance is the price of good produce. And in case you’re wondering, I profile. If it’s furry or has six legs I’m taking it out with extreme prejudice.
It’s been a challenging gardening year here in North Georgia. There has not been a lot of rain this summer, and they tell us we are in a severe draught. Still, I have managed to harvest about 200 pounds of string beans and enough pickle cucumbers for Meredith to tell me to stop bringing them into the house. That’s how I know that I’ve grown enough.
My peppers like the heat and are producing enough for Meredith to freeze and pickle many jars. The tomatoes are doing okay, and Meredith has canned quite a bit of sauce. Earlier in the summer I had some really big cabbages, and I hope to have a large fall crop. I’ve got a large crop of potatoes and butternut squash. My corn was are a little stunted from lack of rain but I grew enough so that we had fresh corn for a couple of weeks and Meredith was able to freeze some for later eating. My leeks did great, and my okra is producing dependably. I won’t know how my sweet potatoes fared until the plants die in the fall and I dig up the tubers.
So there you have it—the garden crop report for Fort Yacavone in North Georgia. For more details watch the agricultural report on RFD TV. While you’re there check out the Mollie B Polka Party (shades of John Candy in “Plains, Trains and Automobiles”) and reruns of Hee-Haw and the Porter Wagoner Show featuring a young and full-figured Dolly Parton. Which reminds me. I may grow melons next year.
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