The Bigfoot Museum

Believe it or not, someone has opened a Bigfoot museum in Fannin County. If I sound incredulous, it’s because I find it hard to believe that enough people will visit the place to make it worth the investment.

The museum has been open only a short time, and I admit that I have no idea about the number of people who actually pay money see what’s inside. For all I know, the business is a roaring success. If so, that’s great. I’m all in favor of free enterprise and helping the local economy. I have no problem with sucking every dollar out of tourists who visit these parts.

Maybe my skepticism over the long term prospects of a Bigfoot museum in these parts is due to the fact I’ve been hanging around common sense country folk too long and have forgotten how gullible the average American is, particularly those who have lived all their life in an urban environment. I mean how else can you explain the Democratic voting record of Baltimore, Chicago and Detroit?

At least a small part of my skepticism is due to the fact that this area is not really a hotbed of Bigfoot sightings. According to the website of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO), there have only been two Bigfoot sightings in Fannin County, and the last one was in 1985. If it was a real Bigfoot back then, it’s probably retired, drawing social security and living in Florida by now.

The only other Bigfoot sighting in Fannin County that I know of is a 2013 video on You Tube. Here’s a link to the video: Fannin Bigfoot. The video pretty clearly shows Uncle Festus in a gorilla suit running through the woods. Apparently even the BFRO had problems with the video since the sighting is not on the list of sightings attributed to Fannin County.

If any Georgia county has the right to a Bigfoot museum it is White County which is located a couple of counties to the right of Fannin County. According to the BFRO there have been 11 Bigfoot sightings in White County. White County is home to Helen, Georgia, which styles itself as Georgia’s alpine village. The town attempts to recreate an alpine village, and it has an annual Octoberfest celebration which I am told is well attended by tourists. A possible explanation for the number of Bigfoot sighting in White County is that it has a lot of bars. According to one posting on Tripadvisor.com: “White County is no longer dry and Helen certainly isn't ha ha. That place is built on alcohol. I think as of right now there are 27 bars in the town.”

I would be curious to see if there is any correlation between Helen’s Octoberfest and the dates of the Bigfoot sightings. City folks out of Atlanta who have consumed a few too many Octoberfest beers very possibly could confuse a furry ground hog for a Bigfoot. Many years ago in El Paso, Texas, after a few drinks at the Officers Club I almost swerved off the road because I thought a tarantula was a small puppy.

Some of the more entrepreneurial readers of this blog are probably thinking that if the Bigfoot museum turns out to be a success it may not be long before someone opens a UFO museum around here. According to Mufonga.com, the website for the Mutual UFO Network of Georgia, there have been quite a few UFO sightings in North Georgia and several in Fannin County.

Even though there have been more UFO sightings than Bigfoot sightings here, I doubt a UFO museum would be successful. First of all, Roswell, New Mexico, has the corner on that market. Second of all, as far as I know, while there have been UFO sightings, there have not been any reports of seeing aliens on the ground unless you’re counting some of the weirdly dressed visitors from Florida. It seems that aliens, like the tourists, visit Fannin County and then leave. And that’s fine with me.

I would think that it would take a few sightings of actual aliens or at least a human abduction or two to make the alien scene here sexy enough to support a UFO museum.

One explanation for the lack of alien visitors to this area is because it’s probably too dangerous for them. The Second Amendment is alive and well in Fannin County. Just the other day I watched an elderly Southern Belle nail a bowling pin with a Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle at the Sheriff’s Department’s range. That was after she went through most of the law enforcement pistol qualification course with the purse-concealable 38 revolver. She put round after round into a man-sized silhouette target. She really liked the “two to the chest and one to the head” drill.

Nope, folks around here would not put up with little green men. I imagine an encounter between a good old boy (who I will refer to as Dwight) and an alien might go like this.

(Dwight hears a sound in his woodshed late one night and goes to investigate)

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Dwight: What the hell! You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing in my woodshed? Step out so I can see you before I blow your ass away with this shotgun.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Dwight: Holy shit. You are one ugly motherfucker. Short too. What’s the matter with you?

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Dwight: Man, you got some bug eyes, and what is it with that green skin? You look like a fucking pickle. What are you—some sort of elf?

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Dwight: This isn’t a Geico commercial, is it?

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Dwight: You’re not from around here, are you?

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Dwight: You said that already. Don’t you have any fucking ears? Oh, I guess not. Where are you from?

Alien: I have come from another planet.

Dwight: Another planet my ass. I bet you’re from California. Are you any kin to Tom Cruise?

Alien: I seek to establish relations with your people.

Dwight: Say, you ain’t some kind of pervert, are you? I bet you like to watch cooking shows and wear women’s clothes. Relations? What type of relations?

Alien: I seek peace and harmony among all beings.

Dwight: Now I get it. You’re either a Democrat or from the United Nations. Either way, you’re not going to get very far with that peace and harmony bullshit around here. People in these parts ain’t too big on Democrats and the UN. Now get the fuck off my property.

You can imagine how that encounter is going to end. Dwight will have another trophy to place on his wall, and the alien spacecraft will be one passenger short when it leaves Fannin County. So it looks like a UFO museum is out of the question for Fannin County. Hmm. I wonder what the prospects are for a Chupacabra museum?…