I Learn to Play the Dulcimer

Believe it or not, the first signs of fall have come to Fannin County. The leaves on the Sassafras and Sourwood trees have started to turn. Acorns are falling in droves out of the oak trees. Already there are a few scattered fallen leaves cluttering our yard. I even saw a wooly caterpillar the other day. Sure signs that the seasons are changing, and summer is waning.

The wooly caterpillar was all reddish-brown with no black line in the middle. I don’t remember whether that’s a sign it will be a cold winter or a mild winter. I do know that the telltale signs of summer’s passing are early this year. The Old Farmer’s Almanac says it will be a cold and wet winter. More significantly, perhaps, weather scientists are predicting that winter in the American southeast could be unusually cold and wet based on an exceptionally large El Nino in the Pacific. A cold and wet winter in these parts likely means more snow than usual.

I feel ambivalent about the prospect of winter, particularly a cold and wet one. On the one hand, winter means I get a break from tending to the garden and mowing the yard and the fields. On the other hand, it means many days of being forced to stay indoors because of the cold and the lack of things to do outside. I hate being forced indoors and being bored. I need to make sure I have plenty of indoor activities to keep me busy. Maybe this will be the winter that I start the novel that I’ve been wanting to write for the last 40 years.

One of the things I intend to do this winter is to learn how to play the dulcimer, and to that end I am taking a beginning dulcimer class. I know what you are thinking. The dulcimer for God’s sake! Real men don’t play the dulcimer! Have I become a sensitive, namby-pamby, tofu-eating, tree-hugging, tie dye shirt-wearing, folksong-singing wimp?

I acknowledge that the dulcimer is not exactly a hard-rocking, balls-to-the-wall instrument. You’re not going to be playing ZZ Top, AC/DC or Jason Aldean music on it. The first thing I think of when I hear the word “dulcimer” is some frail, long-haired, trembly-voiced, sandal-wearing, pale-skinned young woman plaintively singing 17th century folksongs with phrases like “fare thee well” and “hither and yon.”

All that may be true, but the dulcimer has a few things to commend itself to my attention. First of all, it is one of the few musical instruments that originated in the United States. Moreover, it originated in the Appalachian Mountains which means that it lends itself to playing bluegrass and other types of music that are popular in these parts.

Second, it is a chording instrument, meaning you can play chords on it. A chord is composed of two or more notes played simultaneously. I’ve played the bass guitar for 30 years. You play the bass guitar one string at a time. It is not, therefore, a chording instrument. That’s the main reason you don’t find people sitting around the campfire singing along to someone playing the bass guitar. (Not that I particularly want to sit around the campfire playing my dulcimer and singing Kumbaya with a group of people.)

Finally, it is a simple instrument. The classic mountain dulcimer has four strings. The top two strings are the same gauge and tuned the same. Around here most folks eliminate one of the top two strings which means you only have three strings to fool around with. Three strings. That’s one step up in complexity from rhythm sticks, a tub bass or the tambourine. The strings are far apart (that’s important when you’re used to playing the bass guitar). The chords do not require you to wrap your fingers around each other like on a guitar. In other words, the dulcimer is made for musical idiots which is why it’s so good for me.

So I attended my first class last week. I walked in the room and discovered the woman who teaches the class and six older women all of whom looked like they could have played Mrs. Doubtfire. When I stepped into the room all six of them looked up at me with pleasant little smiles on their faces. I could hear their thoughts. "Oh look. There's a man in the class. How nice." I half expected one of them to offer me a crumpet.

I’m not a particularly big man, but I am 6’ 1” and 240 pounds so I occupy some space. My size 13 cowboy boots should have warning flags on the ends so people do not trip over them. My usual public face has been described as a cross between a glare and a scowl. It’s fair to say that I was the odd monkey in the room. If the scenario was used as a simple I.Q. test to see if kindergarten kids could pick out what was wrong with this picture, I was the correct answer.

After introductions, the class started. It seems to be my lot in life that every time I take a class like this it is taught by a former grade school teacher. This class was no exception. Maybe I’m just a cantankerous old fart, but I hate being told the obvious. I like to cut ahead to the meat of the issue or presentation. But I guess old habits die hard, and when you’ve been teaching second graders for 40 years, you just can’t help yourself. So I had to sit through a lot of verbiage telling me the obvious before we got down to brass tacks. Of course, all these snide comments kept floating through my mind while she was speaking. It went a little like this:

Hello, I’m your teacher. (No shit! That’s probably why you’re sitting at the front of the class facing us.)

This is a dulcimer. (Thank God. I was afraid this thing I brought to the class may have been a bowling ball.)

These are the strings. (What an idiot. I thought they were shish kebob skewers.)

There are four of them. (Whew! At least I passed the math test.)

These holes on the top are where the sound comes out. (What a relief. I was afraid it would be emailed to me.)

Here’s how you strum the dulcimer. You strum this way, and then you strum back. (Ah. I was worried that there might be multidimensional strumming.)

And so it went. The first class is in the bag. I know how to place the dulcimer on my lap (on both thighs obviously), tune and strum the instrument. I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things. Maybe next week we’ll actually learn some notes. It won’t be long before we’re ready to hit the road to entertain people with popular dulcimer favorites like…err…whatever. I think we’ll bill ourselves as Grumpy and the Doubtfire Sextet.