I Read the Old Farmer’s Almanac

Some time ago, on a whim, I bought the 2015 Old Farmer’s Almanac (OFA). I skimmed through it, then laid it aside. Recently I started reading it more closely because it occurred to me that it may contain useful gardening information. It is, after all, an old farmer’s almanac. Furthermore, it’s been around 223 years and that must mean that some people find it informative.

Now I’d like to think that I’m at least as smart as an old farmer, but I have to confess that I find parts of OFA to be pretty damn obtuse if not unintelligible.

Let me give you one example. According the dictionary, an almanac is “an annual publication containing a calendar for the coming year, the times of such events and phenomena as anniversaries, sunrises and sunsets, phases of the moon, tides, etc., and other statistical information and related topics.” OFA says that the 27 calendar pages are the “heart” of OFA and what make it a “true almanac” because they present sky sightings and astronomical data.

Since the calendar pages are the heart of OFA that’s where I started my efforts to understand the almanac. The calendar pages give you such data as when the sun and the moon will rise and set, the length of the day, the phase of the moon, and the time of high tide, as well as the moon’s place.

I wasn’t sure what was meant by the “moon’s place.” Luckily, OFA provides the following explanation. The words in brackets are mine.

The Moon’s Place is its astronomical placement in the heavens at midnight. Do not confuse this with the Moon’s astrological place in the zodiac. [Why would I ever think of doing that?] All calculations in the Almanac are based on astronomy, not astrology, except for those on pages 244, 246-247. [Are you kidding me?]

In addition to the 12 constellations of the zodiac, this column may indicate these: Auriga (AUR), a northern constellation between Perseus and Gemini; Cetus (CET), which lies just south of the zodiac, just south of Pisces and Aries; Ophiuchus (OPH), a constellation primarily north of the zodiac but with a small corner between Scorpius and Sagittarius; Orion (ORI), a constellation whose northern limit first reaches the zodiac between Taurus and Gemini; and Sextans (SEX), which lies south of the zodiac except for a corner that just touches it near Leo. [As if I know where the constellations are that I have to locate in order to find AUR, CET, OPH, ORI and SEX.]

Well, that clears that up. Now I know what the moon’s place is even though I have to take an astronomy course to actually locate it. I decided the hell with that. I’ll just walk outside at midnight and look up for the biggest and brightest thing in the night sky. That should be the moon unless there is something else I’m missing.

What OFA does not explain is why in the heck I or an old farmer would need to know this information.

The next thing I discovered is that all the times for the length of day and when the sun and moon rise and fall are for Boston, Massachusetts. I’m not sure I understand that. How many old farmers can there be in Boston?

In order to find out the times for your area you have to go through the complicated process of ascertaining the key letter for your day (sunrise, sunset, moonrise and moonset each have a different key letter for each day), consult a time corrections table located elsewhere in the almanac and then do some calculations. By way of example, here are the instructions for calculating the length of day:

Note the Sun Rise and Sun Set Key letters on the chosen day. In the Time Corrections table on page 252, find your city. Add or subtract the minutes that correspond to the Sun Set Key letter to/from Bostin’s length of day. Reverse the sign (minus to plus, or plus to minus) of the Sun Rise Key letter minutes. Add or subtract it to/from the first result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m lost. The person who wrote these instructions must also write tax form instructions for the IRS. To complicate matters further, you have to make corrections for longitude to determine when the sun and the moon will rise and set in your area, and that requires you to consult a second table.

Thank God we live in the age of the internet where you can find this information on-line. If I lived in the old days and had to use OFA to find this information I’d be thoroughly screwed. The next time anyone implies that old farmers were simple folks I’m going to set the record straight. As far as I’m concerned any old farmer who can use OFA to calculate when the sun will rise is a frigging genius and automatically qualifies for Mensa.

Thankfully, you don’t need to be able to figure out the astronomical stuff to gather information from the calendar pages. For every calendar date OFA gives you pithy information about the day. Most of it is incredibly obscure, and I really don’t understand why an old farmer would give a shit. These are just some of the entries for January:

Jan. 3: Mary Jacob received a patent for a brassiere. [Did old farmer’s wives even wear bras?]

Jan. 15: When wild geese soar overhead, even terrapins stamp their feet on the ground. [What? Is this a coded message?]

Jan. 17: Baseball player Roger Peckinpaugh died, 1977. [Gee, just the other day I was just wondering when he died.]

Jan. 24: Cape Breton Railway opened, N.S., 1890. [For crying out loud, Cape Breton is in Nova Scotia. I bet it has a five day growing season. They’re probably lucky if they can grow radishes. I’m pretty sure the five farmers in Cape Breton don’t really care when the Cape Breton Railway opened. I’m positive the rest of the world doesn’t.]

Jan. 29: Fire destroyed much of Maryland Agricultural College, College Park, Md. [The next time you run into a graduate of Maryland Agricultural College be sure to impress him with that bit of arcane knowledge.]

I could go on and on with the obscure information contained in the calendar pages. It’s worth it to buy OFA just to see what the editors thought an old farmer should know or find interesting. Did you know that the first dental use of nitrous oxide was in 1844 (Dec. 11), that Hiram W. Hayden patented a machine to make brass kettles in 1851 (Dec. 16) or that a 9-lb., 6-oz. chain pickerel was caught in Homerville, Georgia, in 1961 (Feb. 17). I didn’t. I’m amazed I made it this far in life without this information. One thing is certain—I’m never going to challenge an old farmer who reads OFA regularly to a game of Trivial Pursuit.

I’m sure there is valuable gardening information somewhere in the Old Farmer’s Almanac so I’ll keep studying it. I’ll let you know if I find anything interesting.