I find this study highly interesting from a technical standpoint. First, you would have to determine what is an appropriate sample herd. This leads to the question (which I assume is unresolved) of whether all types of cows fart the same. It’s possible that Guernsey cows fart more or with a higher concentration of methane than Jersey cows.
My experience is that some people fart more than others. I had a fraternity brother who may have been the world champion. Not surprisingly, his nickname was Stinky. He was from New Jersey and of Polish extraction. I’m not sure whether either of those factors account for his prodigious flatulence, but I though it was worth mentioning. Anyway, if it’s true for people, then it’s probably true for cows. It could easily take a year’s worth of research to resolve that preliminary issue.
I also think the study would have to take into consideration the effect of diet. It would not surprise me if some grasses and grains caused cows to be gassier than other grasses and grains. Just think about the effect of Mexican food and beer on humans. Who knows, maybe alfalfa has the same effect on cows as refried beans have on humans.
But more than anything I’m intrigued by the question of how one goes about measuring the amount that a cow farts. I suppose you could put a bunch of cows in an airtight barn and measure the concentration of methane in the barn after a certain period of time, but where do you get an airtight barn much less one big enough to house a representative sample of cows? I would think that sealing a bunch of cows in an airtight barn would put the cows off their feed and affect the results of the experiment. Moreover, wouldn't an airtight container the size of a barn filled with explosive methane have the potential to be a giant bomb?
I’m convinced that the only way to get accurate results is to capture a cow’s farts in the cow’s natural setting: grazing in a pasture. That would require some device attached to the production end of the beast which would capture the farts as they occur. It would have to be lightweight and comfortable. The last thing you want is a cow with a chapped ass.
The only thing I can think of that would fit the bill is a cow diaper with an inflatable balloon. As the cow tooted its way through the day, the balloon would inflate. Of course, since we don’t know how much gas a cow passes in a day (that’s why we’re doing the study) it’s entirely possible that by the end of the day the cow will look like it got rear-ended by the Graf Zeppelin. Seeing a herd of cows with blimps hanging from their butts could produce nightmares if you aren’t prepared for it. The sight might frighten young children into becoming vegetarians.
Another concern is that methane is lighter than air. It’s possible that the test cows could just float away. I see a Chic-fil-A commercial in here somewhere.
I suppose the ultimate mystery is what the EPA is going to do once it gets the results of the study. Assume it does show that cow farts are harmful to the environment. What then? It’s not like you can train a cow not to fart. I suspect that most of us have difficulty with that issue time to time, and we’re intelligent animals though you wouldn’t know it if you have ever watched daytime TV.
The more I think about it the more I believe that there are a couple of good old boy scientists at some agricultural college in Middle America who are laughing their asses off at the windfall of funding they just got from the EPA. Meanwhile the taxpayers are paying for yet another stupid study. This one stinks—in more ways than one.
But who am I to poke fun at the bureaucrats at the EPA? I’m a gardener, and there’s plenty to poke fun at when it comes to that hobby. Here I am barely able to contain myself now that the start of the planting season is almost here. I’m carefully sprouting my vegetable sets under grow lights in the work shop. I’ve made meticulous plans about where I’m going to plant my sets and seeds in the garden. Every day I check the weather forecast and assess the soil moisture and temperature. When the right day comes I’m going to run out to the garden with barely controlled excitement and eagerly plant my sets and seeds, then step back expectantly waiting for nothing to happen. Talk about anti-climactic. There’s more action at a quilting party.
An old McDonald’s commercial had the line, “Gee, you’re easily amused.” That pretty much describes the action-packed hobby of gardening. A gardener needs to have a low entertainment threshold. Watching a garden grow is like watching rocks erode. Progress is measured in weeks not seconds. You could learn to play the viola or become a licensed cosmetologist in the time it takes a garden to grow. And yet, every day a gardener will trudge down to the garden to see if there is the slightest change from the day before and get really excited if there is.
It’s kind of silly when you think about it. To be honest, measuring cow farts sounds like it would be a thrill a minute compared to gardening. Silly me. Silly EPA.
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