Clothes are important to some people. Me, I don't really give a damn. As long as my clothes don't ride up my butt, crowd Willie and the Twins or make me look like Rudolph Nureyev at the Bolshoi Ballet I'm okay with them.
But there are people who just have to wear the latest in fashion. They wouldn’t dare be seen in last year's style. From what I can see, that's not much of a concern in rural America. Country folk are still wearing practical clothes that could have come from a 1950's Montgomery Ward catalog. This is not the place to be selecting your wardrobe out of the pages of Vogue or Gentlemen's Quarterly. If you do, people will know you’re from somewhere else. Even worse, they may think you’re French. If you’re looking for fashion tips for life in the country I suggest you read magazines with names like Pig and Garden, Farmers Monthly and Livestock Today.
I should warn you that my observations are confined to the typical apparel found in North Georgia among longtime residents who look like they belong here. There are regional differences in accepted rural raiment. Here in Southern Appalachia you’re not going see someone wearing mukluks and a red-checked Elmer Fudd hat with earflaps. You need to go to Minnesota if that’s your style. Dress like that around here, and you’re going to the butt of a lot of silly wabbit jokes. So if you’re going to Maine, the upper Midwest, Montana or the high Oregon Plateau you need to do your own research.
Let’s start with suits. I have been living in the North Georgia Mountains for a year and a half, and in all that time I have not worn a suit once. In fact, I have never encountered a situation where I felt that a suit was necessary or appropriate. I’ll go even farther. I’m having trouble envisioning a situation where a suit would be required unless it’s my own funeral and even then it’s probably optional. Fact is, if you wear a suit around here people are going to think that you’re a lawyer, an ATF agent, a politician or an undertaker, and only the latter is considered to be an honorable occupation.
Ties are another item of clothing that are seldom worn in these parts. The only time I wear one is when I go to church, and the only reason I do is so I don’t forget how to tie one. To give you an idea, I’m the only one who wears a tie at the early service at our church. That’s telling you a lot when you consider that I go to the Episcopal Church in town. The Episcopal Church attracts only the most refined and civilized hobnobs and goobersmoochers. These are the very types that are most likely to wear a tie to activities like picnics, grocery shopping and cricket matches, and yet they do not feel pressure to wear a tie to church.
The lack of ties at church may have something to do with the fact that I go to the simple early communion service. There is a fancy service later in the morning where they go whole hog and sing hymns. Several folks who go to that service wear ties. I figure that’s to be expected when you have to sing from the Episcopal hymnal—either a tie or a noose is appropriate. You see, Episcopal hymns have three tempos—slow, dirge-like and dead on arrival—so a higher degree of solemnity is mandated. Nothing says gravitas like a tie.
When it comes to pants, you don’t want to stray too far from blue jeans or work pants for everyday wear. The real rural fashion tip is to wear pants that look like you have actually done honest work in them.
I have to admit that things have changed from when I first started coming here in the early 90s. Back then I’d go to the grocery store wearing shorts and realize that I was the only male above diaper age not wearing long pants. People would look at me like I was wearing a dayglo codpiece and a feather boa. But now that more people from Atlanta and Florida have moved in and tourism has become the big industry, shorts are seen more often. Still, if you want to play the part of an honest, hard-working, country yeoman stick to jeans or work pants.
Footwear says a lot about a person. You can tell the namby-pambies, fakers, clueless wonders and genuine articles from the shoes they wear. Boots are always acceptable. Cowboy boots, farmer boots, workman’s boots—basically any type of boot that you can buy at a western wear store or Walmart will fit right in. Steer clear of those fancy hiking boots that outdoor wannabes wear. First of all, they’re pretentious. Second of all, if you’re reading this post you are probably retirement age, and no one is going to believe that you haul your fat ass up a mountain trail anyway.
Athletic shoes are okay as long as they are not fancy or fluorescent. Let’s face it. Bright red high top basketball shoes endorsed by NBA stars do not look good on middle-aged men under any circumstances.
Stay away from sandals of any type. They just scream that you are not from around these parts. If you wear them people will think that you have a foot condition or are a retired college professor who taught humanities, an aging hippy or someone who likes to knit, bake muffins and watch women’s gymnastics competitions and ice dancing.
Finally, a word about t-shirts. Stick with t-shirts that promote patriotism or advertise a team, a business or a good conservative cause or organization. I guarantee that if you wear a t-shirt that says you support Code Pink, PETA or banning firearms, it’s more than likely that no one around here will even talk to you. You’ll be as popular as Michael Moore at a Navy Seal convention. People are just going to stare at your shirt and say “Really?”
The right t-shirt may be your most important country fashion accessory. A good t-shirt can make up for a lot of other fashion faux pas. If you can find a t-shirt that says “NASCAR supports the NRA and the USA—Go Georgia Bulldogs,” you’ve hit the jackpot. Buy it. In fact buy a dozen. You can wear that t-shirt all day and on any occasion. You can even wear it to church—that is unless you're going to sing from the Episcopal hymnal.
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