More on Fannin County Roads

In my last post I urged that Fannin County create a Department of Appropriate Road Names (DARN) to rid the county of roads with silly names that are inconsistent with the history, traditions and culture of Southern Appalachia. The ultimate object is to have all roads in Fannin County sound like they were named by an early settler.

Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said that even though he had difficulty describing pornography, he recognized it when he saw it. The same is probably true about unacceptable road names. Difficult as it may be, DARN needs some guidelines to assist it in distinguishing good names from bad. Though I have not prepared a complete set of rules, I suggested two general principles from which it may be possible to derive some rules. The first principle is that a road name cannot be cute, silly or sappy. The second principle is that a road name has to sound genuine like it was given by an early settler of the county. A review of the names of some roads in Fannin County will illustrate these rules in action.

Calling a road a trail seems to be popular in Fannin County. Trail is one of those iffy alternate words for a road. A trail connotes a winding, narrow, primitive path through the wilderness. It seems strange, therefore, to call a road a trail. A road should only be called a trail if it once was a true trail. While it is true that Indians, trappers, frontiersman and pioneers followed trails, all too often roads that are called trails are given names that just don’t fit.

There is an Alamo Trail in Fannin County. The Alamo belongs in Texas, not Fannin County. The same reasoning applies to Cheyenne Trail, Lodge Pole Trail, and Hiawatha Trail. The Cheyenne lived about 1,500 miles west of here. Lodge Pole Pines grow on the eastern slopes of the Rocky Mountains and were used by the Plains Indians to make teepees. I’m pretty certain the Cherokee around here did not live in teepees. Hiawatha was an Iroquois I think. He certainly wasn’t a Cherokee.

The cuteness rule eliminates Bear Cub Trail, Fawn Trail, Snowbird Trail and Hillbilly Trail. The first thing that pops into my mind when I hear about Dancing Leaves Trail, Dancing Sun Trail and Dancing Tree Trail is a Walt Disney animation set to music. Sunset Trail sounds like a euphemism for old age (“He could look back on a full life as he set out down the sunset trail”). Then there is Oakawana Trail. What the hell is an oakawana? Water Garden Trail—I’m pretty sure that the last thing on an early settler’s mind was a water garden with lily pads and giant goldfish.

Fannin County has quite a few lanes. Any road called a lane is automatically suspect. In fact, it might be better just to ban lanes altogether. Lovers and men who aspire to be poets stroll down lanes; rugged pioneer men and women cut roads through the wilderness. There is simply too much temptation to get cute when naming a lane.

Take Adventure Lane. It sounds like it came from a high school motivational pamphlet (“You are about to take a drive down the Adventure Lane of life”). There are lanes called Harmony, Honey Bear, Honey Do, June Bug, Lucky, Short, Mystic, Icy, Idle, That, The Other, Victory, Free, Comfort, Tranquil, Quiet, Treehouse, Common, Contrast and Clear in Fannin County. They are way too cute or clever to remain. Cadillac Lane—the car had not been invented in the 1840s. Tennis Court Lane—Pioneers didn’t play tennis. Niceville Lane—no Superman references. Trotalot Lane—sounds like it was named by a man with a gastrointestinal disorder. Dogpatch and Dew Drop Lanes—are you kidding me?

There are several roads called ways around here. Calling a road a way is an invitation to cuteness. Breese Way, Leisure Way, and Porch Swing Way have got to go. Cheyenne Way has the wrong tribe in the wrong location. Tombstone Way is too grim.

There are a number of roads that have is no designation to indicate whether they are roads, streets, paths, lanes or whatever. Among them are Cabbage Patch, Dream Catcher, Evening Shadows, Beaver, Misty Hollow and Left Turn. Regardless of what you call them, those names are way too cute and need to be changed. Two others, Manna and Lord’s View, are okay under the general rule that these are biblical or religious references, and it is never a good idea to mess with Providence.

Other roads that fail the tests are Peyton’s Place, Steel Can Ally, Canary’s Nest, Chat A While Road, Critter Cove, Ghost Pony Road, Havanogotta Road, Mile High Drive, ZZZ Road, Cowboy Way, Cops Road and Hillbilly Trail. Hopefully, by now you should understand why these road names are inappropriate.

Finally, there are a lot of roads with names that are close calls on the appropriate/inappropriate scale. These will certainly be a challenge for DARN. I’m not sure whether the rule should be that a road name stays or it goes in the event of a close call. For absolute purity’s sake, the rule should be that a road is presumed guilty until proven innocent. Some of the road names that are borderline are as follows: Abbey Road, Bucking Horse Trail, Broken Arrow Way, Cloudland Trace, Last Resort Pass, Bear Foot Drive, Cranberry Drive, Fairy Cross lane, Kennebec Drive, Knight’s Landing, Raccoon Trail, Ruby Lane, Sea Creek Road and Wehunt Road.

Well, there you have it—my proposal for eliminating road names that simply do not belong in Fannin County. I think it’s a good idea. My next idea is even more brilliant. Once the county develops a list of discarded names, I intend to ship them off to Florida where I’m pretty certain they’ll be put to use.