Local News

Meredith and I subscribe to the local paper, The News Observer—all 20 pages of it. The paper used to be published twice a week, but now it only comes out once a week. I could be funny and say that it went to being a weekly paper because it took people around here that long to read it, but that would suggest that the people in Fannin County are a bunch of ignorant hillbillies, and that’s not true. As much as it hurts me, I will resist the temptation of a cheap joke.

The true reason the paper went back to being a weekly is probably a lack of advertising revenue to support two editions a week. I suspect that a contributing factor was the absence of enough news in Fannin County to justify a second edition. Witness the front page of last week’s edition of the paper.

The lead front page story is about a Bald Eagle being rescued after being tangled in a fishing line. No offense to bird lovers, but you know you’re scratching for something to write about when freeing a bird is the lead story. Maybe the editor thought it was a mountain version of Free Willy, and that’s why it was considered the big news of the week.

The number two front page story is about a 15-year-old Pickens County Middle School basketball player who was accused of assaulting a Fannin County Middle School player during a basketball game. We’re not talking about the Olympics or the NBA or even a college game, but rather a middle school basketball game. What’s next—a feature about grade school kids getting into fights playing kickball during recess or maybe two first graders arguing over a game of marbles?

I suppose the News Observer thought it was newsworthy because some Pickens County parents attending the game said there were racial slurs involved in the altercation. School officials denied this after an investigation. I’m surprised that MSNBC and Al Sharpton haven’t jumped all over this big story. Maybe that’s because the facts of the incident are unclear. The story did not identify the race of the participants, the content of the alleged slurs, or even how the assault occurred. For a front page story, it sure was short on details.

The final story above the fold on the front page is about the Fannin County eighth grade student who won the annual 2014 countywide spelling bee. If a middle school spelling bee is front page news, I can’t wait to see what sort of treatment the winner of the annual science fair gets. The paper may put out a special edition. The next thing you know, I’ll be reading about quilting bees, knitting circles, corn huskings, and pie eating contests. No, wait, those are already covered on page three.

I’m not mocking the fact that the paper contains only local news. That’s the purpose of a local paper. All I’m saying is that if these three stories represent the most newsworthy events in Fannin County over the previous week, I can see why it’s tough to find sufficient news to produce a second edition. In order to fill a second paper, the News Observer would have to run stories on Aunt Betty’s hot flashes, missing chickens, and the theft of a cheap pen from the bank.

There has been some real news in Fannin County this week: the weather. The recent snowstorm left us with several inches of snow and icy roads. There have been traffic accidents and power outages. The Fannin County Emergency Operations Center has been texting weather and traffic alerts like a high school student over a new love affair. You would think the county had been invaded by the Mexican army from the number of text alerts that have been sent.

I’ll wager the News Observer editor and its reporters (all two or three of them) are in an orgiastic journalistic frenzy over having some real news to report.

It’s fair to conclude that there is not a lot happening in Fannin County most of the time. In fact, you could even say it’s boring around here. And you know what? I like it that way.

The News Observer is the only paper we have delivered. The available regional papers are the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the Chattanooga Times Free Press, and I see no reason to take either of them. It’s not like I’ll miss reading a major paper. I stopped subscribing to the Tampa Bay Times a couple of years before I left Florida, mainly because I thought its editorial board was a bunch of Communists.

Receiving only 20 or so pages of newsprint a week has caused a minor crisis in the household. We have been running out of newspaper to start the wood stove to heat the house. Meredith and I have taken to pilfering free advertising publications from display racks in order to keep the home fires going. I'm worried our actions will put a dent in the local real estate/cabin rental market.

Thank God for our financial adviser. He regularly sends us 80-page financial reports and prospectuses. I’m not sure why. He knows that I don’t understand them. All I understand is whether I have more or less than the last report. He could text that information to me and save a tree. I think he’s being cautious. My investment instructions to him are that if he loses my savings, I’ll burn down his house and kidnap his children. It’s always good when your financial advisor (or lawyer or doctor) knows that he or she has a stake in the game.

Even though I don’t read his reports, I’m glad he sends me all this information. I’ve discovered that his financial reports make great fire starters. Meredith and I might have frozen to death this winter if it weren't for my investments. I keep telling my kids that if they save their money they too can live in the middle of nowhere keeping themselves warm with a wood stove. It's something to aspire to.

Finally, here is an update on the Asian ladybug situation. As mentioned a couple of posts ago, a large number of Asian ladybugs have decided to spend the winter in the cabin. They send out small suicide scouting parties from time to time, apparently to see if spring has arrived.

Until recently they’ve been a minor nuisance, but now they’re interfering with my enjoyment of watching the Olympic hockey games. When a ladybug crawls on the flat screen TV, it becomes a little dot on the screen. The dot is the exact size of the hockey puck. It’s hard enough to follow the hockey action when there is one puck. It gets really confusing when there is an extra puck or two on the ice. I’ve missed several goals because I was watching the wrong dot. Thank goodness for instant replay.

Well, there you have it. To paraphrase Walter Cronkite: And that’s the way it is in Fannin County this week. Yawn. I guess I’ll go watch the snow melt.