Monday, March 7, 2016

My Second College Career Career.

My new college career is going well at the Blue Ridge branch campus of the University of North Georgia (UNG), home of the most fearsome of college mascots: Nigel the Nighthawk. I hate to say this but as college mascots go, Nigel is pretty lame. You can start with the name “Nigel.” It sounds like it belongs to a slightly effeminate, upper crust Englishman with a lisp and a Sherlock Holmes hat. Not exactly the type of mascot to strike fear in manly or even womanly hearts.

According to Wikipedia, nighthawks are medium-sized, plain-looking, nocturnal birds with long wings, short legs and very short bills who usually feed on insects and nest on the ground. They belong to the family of birds known as nightjars. Nightjars are sometimes referred to as goatsuckers. Other teams have rams, tigers, lions, alligators and wildcats as mascots. UNG has an insect-eating bird often known as a goatsucker. I wonder whether anyone consulted the biology department before deciding that a nighthawk would be a good mascot.

As for the mascot itself, it is primarily blue with gold trim (the school colors) with a large head and flappy-looking wings hanging from its arms. If anything it reminds me of failed comic book superhero. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a … just what the hell is that? The more I think about it, the more I think that Nigel the Nighthawk is Foghorn Leghorn in drag.

Happily, Nigel is not the worst college mascot of all time. There are far more ridiculous ones. Check out this web page. 


George Mason College’s mascot is called Gunston, and it looks like a green Oscar the Grouch wearing a pirate hat. The University of Calfornia at Santa Cruz has Sammy the Banana Slug as a mascot. Concordia College has a corn cob called Cobber while Delta State has Mr. Okra. What’s next—Terry the fighting Turnip, Andy the angry Acorn Squash and Peter the pugnacious Parsnip?

The mascot of the University of the North Carolina School of Arts is a pickle with no name. It is simply called the Fighting Pickle. Its colors are Bahama blue, séance and apple green. I can take a stab at Bahama blue and apple green but I couldn’t identify séance if you water boarded me. I suppose having a fighting pickle as a mascot is okay for a school of arts. It’s probably not much of a surprise that the UNC School of Arts has no NCAA sanctioned sports teams. I think they are hoping that interpretive dance and caricature sketching become popular with the sporting crowd someday.

At least those mascots have cuteness going for them. They are not likely to give little kids nightmares and psychologically scar them for life. The same cannot be said for the mascot of Providence College. It is a friar, i.e, a monk. The mascot wears white robes with a monk’s hood, and its facial expression can only be described as a cross between a rictus grin and a deranged look of agony. It looks more like an Islamic terrorist than a monk. That’s not a good thing for a Catholic school. If I saw Providence’s mascot coming at me through the woods I’d definitely shoot first and ask questions later.

Where was I? Oh, I was telling you about my fledgling second college career at UNG. As I told you in prior posts, I am auditing a freshman level introduction to political science course. Last week the professor had to miss a class so he could interview with his department for a full professorship. Rather than cancel the class he asked me to use the time to speak to the students about my experiences as an attorney defending civil rights cases. Of course I said yes. I never miss a chance to talk about me.

I’d like to tell you that the class went well but I don’t know if it did or not. All the students except me and another old guy are either true freshman or AP students who are still seniors in high school. I have shirts older than them. It’s not too much of a stretch to say that the only things I have in common with a 17 year old is the we’re both part of the human race and live in North Georgia. Maybe it’s not that bad but the difference between their life experiences and perspectives and mine is an almost unbridgeable gulf.

It’s obvious they were not as impressed with me as I am but then that might be impossible. I think it’s fair to say that they were not really interested in hearing about civil rights cases that involved basic Constitutional protections in action. I got a little rise out of them when I talked about police K-9 cases. I guess that proves it’s always good to throw an animal act into your show.

I wasn’t offended. My attitude is the hell with them. If they can’t recognize the good stuff when they hear it that’s their problem. As for me, I’ve sucked up to the professor and scored big bonus points which just goes to show you you should always watch out for old dogs with old tricks.

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