War is Declared

AP/UPI Newswire

Special to the Fort Yacavone Daily Gazette

May 21, 2015

MOLES ATTACK GARDEN

YACAVONE NATION AT WAR

In a daring early morning surprise raid that caught officials napping, one or more moles have attacked the Yacavone garden. High-placed government authorities of  the United States of Yacavone say there have been daily follow up attacks. The extent of damage is yet unknown, and officials fear the attacks will continue.

Master Gardener Jim “Mr. Greenjeans” Yacavone discovered the damage. “I walked out to the garden with my cup of coffee early one morning to look for Colorado Potato Bugs, and there were several mole tunnels running down the rows. It was horrible,” he said.

“They came in under the radar. In fact the little burrowing buggers came in underground. We were completely surprised and unprepared to prevent them,” said Yacavone. “We can’t be sure if it’s the work of a lone wolf mole or whether multiple moles are responsible for the attacks.”

The United States of Yacavone immediately declared war on the mole nation. Speaking before a joint session of the U.S. of Y. Congress in the capital city of Fort Yacavone, President James “Bully Pulpit” Yacavone said, “Today is a day of infamy. The mole nation has attacked our garden without warning or provocation. A state of war now exists between the United States of Yacavone and the mole empire.”

Yacavone told reporters after his speech, “I am not afraid to call the moles responsible for these assaults what they are—radicalized Ismolic terrorists.”

In a stirring address before Parliament (yes, it is curious that the U.S. of Y., which is an absolute dictatorship under James “Oberfuerermeister” Yacavone, has both a congress and a parliament) Prime Minister Jim “Winston” Yacavone said, “We will fight Mr. Mole in the turnips. We will fight him in the beans. We will fight him in the rows and pathways, and we will never surrender so that one day people will say this was our finest hour.”

Six-star General James “Unconditional Surrender” Yacavone, commander of all U.S. of Y. military forces, spoke from the U.S. of Y. war room (which is located in the workshop near the small refrigerator which holds the cold beer): “Even as we speak our troops are mustering and preparing to go on the offensive in Operation Mr. Mole Must Go. Our soldiers are well trained and motivated. They know they are fighting for the survival of everything that is near and dear to them, especially the tomatoes and potatoes.”

Sources say that U.S. of Y. forces have been authorized to use all weapons in the arsenal including deadly traps and poisoned baits and lures to rid the garden of pests. When asked about this, General Yacavone said, “Now is not the time to get warm and fuzzy about the little furry creatures. They started this war, and we will use every means at our disposal to end it. The Geneva Convention does not apply to moles, and I will not tie our troops’ hands with restrictive rules of engagement. War is hell.”

The Director of the Y.B.I. (Yacavone Bureau of Investigation), James “J. Edgar” Yacavone, said, “Our preliminary investigation suggests that the mole or moles responsible for these attacks are radicalized domestic moles who have gone underground in a secret sleeper cell. I have directed our field agents to keep their noses to the ground to locate and destroy these moles.”

Cabinet Officer Jim “Pork Barrel” Yacavone, who heads the U.S. of Y. Department of Homeland Security and Tractor Repair, announced that all moles within the U.S. of Y. have been declared critters non grata and must leave the country’s boundaries within 24 hours or face immediate death and destruction. “I vow that our borders will be secure, and that any moles found within this country will be deported. There will be no amnesty for illegal moles within our sovereign territory,” he said. Leading Democrats and liberals did not protest the new policy because, well, there are no Democrats or liberals within the U.S. of Y.

Attorney General James “Judge Roy Bean” Yacavone has authorized U.S. of Y. law enforcement personnel to use profiling to help detect mole infiltrators. “Any small furry animal with large flappy front paws and poor vision should be stopped and questioned,” he said. Police Chief Jim “Law and Order” Yacavone welcomed the attorney general’s announcement saying, “This will help us distinguish unlawful moles from squirrels, chipmunks, weasels and other small law abiding animals.”

James “John Birch” Yacavone, founder of Citizens Against Mole Predation (CAMP), issued a statement: “This proves what we have been saying all along. Our garden is being infiltrated at the highest or I mean the lowest levels by these burrowing animals. You cannot trust them. Today it’s moles. Tomorrow it will be gophers, groundhogs and vols. We need to stop this menace to our garden once and for all.”

The war has broad support among the citizens of the U.S. of Y. “We are united as one people to stamp out this underground threat to our crops,” Senator Jim “Filibuster” Yacavone told reporters. Reverend James “Billy” Yacavone said, “God is on our side.”

In related news, Jim “Dewey Decimal” Yacavone, head of the Fort Yacavone Public Library, said that the book “The Wind in the Willows” is being removed from library shelves. “This book paints an all too sympathetic picture of Mr. Mole’s escapades. We can’t have our children exposed to these sentiments in this trying time for our garden’s vegetables,” he said.

(The Fort Yacavone Daily Gazette will publish a special supplement about the Mole War with reports from our correspondents in the field this Sunday.)